Ebenezer Scrooge answers Barker's Dozen
22 December 2010
BusinessCar's Paul Barker puts 13 testing questions to another victim
1. What was your first job? I started lending money to friends with a 200% interest rate at school. It turned out to be my calling and I've continued in this profession ever since.
2. What was your first company car? Why waste money on a car when you can take the cash option?
3. What did you listen to on your last car journey? You can't beat Radiohead or anything by Morrissey. And Abba's Money Money Money always gives me a lift.
4. What one thing do you wish you could do better? Make the British public understand that Christmas is an unnecessary waste of time and money. Apparently, I can't chase up monies owed on Christmas Day. What a load of poppycock.
5. What's your biggest achievement? My work supporting Victorian workhouses. Poor people are a heavy weight on society; we'd be better off without them.
6. Who are your role models? Well, I do love the way Alan Sugar keeps his staff in order, although his plane-buying is frivolous. And those bankers that keep getting their bonuses no matter what are also worthy of respect.
7. What's the stupidest thing you've done? Giving in and letting my clerk Bob Cratchit have a paid day off at Christmas. It's like being pickpocketed on an annual basis. Bah hambug.
8. What was the most hotly debated topic at your last meeting? Two things: whether we can extend working hours by an extra four or five hours and how much to cut salaries. I'm sure it's the same with every business.
9. What's in your garage? Piles of banknotes.
10. What's the worst thing about your job? People moaning the interest I charge on loans. We all need to make a living.
11. What one law would you make or change? Ghosts should not be allowed to visit in the middle of the night during the Christmas period.
12. What keeps you awake at night? The fear of burglars breaking into my garage.
13. Who is your ideal celebrity date? Well, based on their self-sufficiency and independent wealth, I wouldn't say no to J K Rowling or the Queen taking me to dinner.