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Here's your month-by-month guide to what could happen in 2008
The threat of massive fines for non-compliance with newly proposed EU legislation to ratchet down the average CO2 emissions of all major car groups to 120g/km by 2012 causes a flurry of flirtatious activity from higher-emitting manufacturers towards lower-emitting ones. Porsche takes full control of VW overnight, Jaguar welcomes Tata with open arms and 'fiercely independent' Aston Martin temporarily tucks back into the Ford Group for the purposes of average CO2 measurement. Even BMW announces its new 'best mate' is now the PSA group - whose Peugeot and Citroen brands are handily Europe's current low CO champions. While flattered, when PSA quietly enquired "What's in it for me?" a spokesman for the German powerhouse allegedly replied: "Don't get me stop/started or the engine deal is off."
From February 4, cars emitting less than 120g/km with any powertrain are allowed into London congestion zone with a 100% discount. Few can believe it, but Mini diesel owners plan a rally up and down Regent Street to prove it. Traffic comes to a standstill in five minutes and London mayor Ken Livingstone quickly announces he will lower the 'carrot' limit to 100g/km for 2010. Meanwhile a TfL spokesman tells Chelsea tractor owners they have eight months to sell-up, pay £25 a day "or get out of Dodge" before the October 225g/km-and-above 'stick' is applied. Confused Dodge dealers blame plummeting sales of their Nitro 'compact SUV' on the comments. Manchester's congestion scheme organisers look on approvingly.
Euro5 diesel cars get their 3% diesel BIK penalty waived, new business car capital allowances make leasing vehicles above 165g/km CO2 expensive and Employee Car Ownership schemes (ECOs) and biofuels are ignored again - because even now, no one in the Government really knows what to do about them.
The new 10% BIK band comes in for sub-120g/km CO2 car owners, and fuel duty goes up two pence per litre. All low-emitting car owners are put forward for MBEs. The few sub-100g/km car owners that already exist campaign for OBEs to no avail.
Flexi-workers are thrilled while fuming old-school managers rue what they view as a 'legitimised bunk-off'. Many of the latter take three-hour 'business lunches' to discuss how to discipline staff upon their return.
David Miliband formally launches the carbon offset Code of Practice by video link to avoid the CO2 costs of rustling up a buffet lunch and the clocking up of needless journalist and politician travel miles to attend the event in person. It receives almost zero press coverage. However, two months later, when increasingly restless clients of QuikNdirrtyoffset.net question how many CO2-saving schemes the firm had implemented and whether the firm had signed up to the voluntary Code, the said eco business quickly vanishes into thin air.
The cleaner at its former premises alleges the start-up web MD confessed to her - as he rushed out of the door - that he'd "had enough of all that eco nonsense" and was going back to his day job "in estate agency and insurance loss adjustment".
With hard shoulders all now full and the holiday season looming, boffins at the Highways Agency are reportedly looking into installing specially placed ramps to allow cars to flip up onto two wheels to create an extra lane of traffic for particularly congested stretches of motorway. The Association of James Bond Stuntmen is approached to act as safety advisor.
In the latest and most embarrassing data debacle yet, millions of UK nursery age youngsters get issued with speeding fines, while millions more 'empty nester' adults - mainly salesmen belonging to racing clubs - receive child benefit top-ups. Transport secretary Ruth Kelly talks in an even deeper voice than usual at Parliamentary Question Time when the farce is brought up and then makes a very scary face. Calls for her to resign are quickly dropped.
After nine months of consultation, the Government unveils its definition of which types of van will be eligible for its new £50m low carbon purchasing grants. Ones that carry nothing and don't move will receive the most money.
New Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg proudly launches his party's new 'Getting militant on CO2' website to measure one's orange-focused carbon footprint. No one in the world notices or cares.
Gordon Brown dismisses the idea that the Government is procrastinating over biofuel, confirming that tax breaks for second-generation variants that can absorb CO2, make the tea and dance well "are being thoroughly considered".
After a successful trial over two hundred metres of the M62 for five minutes in January, the Government pushes for high occupancy vehicle lanes nationwide. 'Adult bookshops' report brisker than normal sales of blow-up dolls, inaccurately put down to festive friskiness.
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